Many of you are too young to have watched the game show from the late 60s and 70’s called “The Dating Game.” You probably, however, have seen re-runs or know the premise of the show. In this pre-technology version of Match.com, contestants would ask questions of three potential dates who were hidden from their view. Without seeing them they would make judgments about that person based on their answers. The lucky person chosen would then get to escort the contestant on a weekend rendezvous to an exotic location. I can well remember watching (as a kid, a very young kid ;-) and rooting for the person I wanted them to choose. I would slap high fives with my siblings if they chose the one we deemed “the best” and we would let out a loud “boo!” if they did not concur with our choice. Oftentimes you could see a look of great disappointment on the contestants faces when all the choices were revealed and they had not picked the most outwardly appealing.
Today, the methods used for finding a date have greatly evolved through the use of technology. Dating itself, however, has not changed. You can still feel like it is a total guessing game. It still has awkward beginnings and is filled with stress and wondering. You wonder if they feel the same about you as you feel about them. You wonder if they really are the person they seem to be and they wonder the same thing about you. You can be plagued with questions like “Where have all the good men gone?” “When will he ever ask me out?” “How long do I wait to let him see the real me?” “How far is too far?” It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I know. I spent a great deal of time there myself. Wouldn’t it be great if someone wrote a book and told you everything you needed to know about Christian dating? Things like how to find a date, how to act on a date and what to expect from a date? I have great news! Someone did write a book about that! We are going to look into God’s Word and see what He has to say to you about dating. After all, He created that man you may see as a potential mate and He created you too. Who better to tell us how to knit those hearts together than the Maker of them?
The first thing I want to do is clarify what I mean by dating. As a Christian, dating should not be something you do carelessly or casually. It shouldn’t be something you do because you are bored or you just need a “someone” in your life to fill a void of loneliness. Dating is a means to finding your mate; the second most important decision you will ever make. If you treat it lightly or without respect, you just might find what you aren’t looking for. You need to see every man you agree to go on a date with as a potential mate. Do I think you should want to marry every person you date? Heavens, no! But, I want you to consider dating so seriously that you could see yourself marrying him should the course of your relationship turn in that direction.
How to Find a Date
1. Pray, pray, pray! The first place you should start even long before you begin dating is prayer. If you want to date but don’t have any takers in sight, pray. If you have a potential date in front of you and you want God’s direction for a possible relationship, pray. If you are already in a dating relationship and want God’s blessing and wisdom for the relationship, pray. The Bible clearly tells us that we should ask God for the things we want. If you are praying with right motives, God will hear you. His answer may not come in your timing, but just because you can’t see Him moving at this very moment, doesn’t mean He isn’t working! It’s OK even to pray for Him to HURRY! J
“May he turn our hearts to him, to walk in obedience to him and keep the commands, decrees and laws he gave our ancestors. And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the Lord, be near to the Lord our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant.” 1 Kings 8:58-59a NIV
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV
“The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16b
2. Rewrite/rethink your list. If your checklist of "mate material must-haves" goes something like this: tall, dark, handsome and wealthy you should consider tossing it. The list you should make and pray over regularly is all the godly qualities you are looking for in a mate. Things like spiritual maturity, spiritual leadership, a servant’s heart, loving, compassionate, slow to anger, filled with integrity, peaceable, one who seeks wisdom from the Lord. Do you see any external qualities in this list? Yes, I know you need to be attracted to your date/mate physically. But, let me remind you of the law of gravity. External qualities will shift to other places over time (for both of you!) If you find a man who possess the godly qualities you are looking for, he will be the most beautiful man you have ever seen!
“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b NIV
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” Matthew 12:35 NIV
3. Don’t go looking for love in all the wrong places. Once you have your list of godly qualities and you are praying over this regularly, you need to be in the places where your potential date could find you. This is self-explanatory but it needs to be said. As Tommy Nelson said in the “Song of Solomon” series, “Run at the cross, look left and right and see who else is running at the same pace. Lock arms with them and run at the cross together.” I love that picture, don’t you? Did you know you should be equally yoked, even if both of you are Christians. There are many levels of spiritual maturity. Just because the guy owns a Bible and can find the book of Habakkuk doesn’t mean he is God’s man for you. It might. But, I encourage you to get to know him on a spiritual level so you can determine if you are running in the same race and at the same pace. If God is calling you to the mission field and you are dating someone who wants nothing to do with it, one of you is going to be miserable. And, while we’re on the subject of missionaries, I strongly discourage missionary dating. It is generally not fruitful and can have painful consequences. I’ve watched it happen many times and it usually doesn’t end with the intended results.
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” Philippians 2:1-2 NIV
How to Act on a Date
4. Be yourself. I always hated that initial dating period where you felt like you needed to be someone else, someone better in order to be approved. I call it the “mask” phase. It is possible to put on your mask, act your part and be anyone you want to be for a little while; but eventually, the real you comes out. Why do we do this? Why do we exhaust ourselves and why do we assume the “real” us isn’t good enough? I guess it’s human nature to feel like we need to be perfect. But, as Christians, we know we cannot be perfect. Only Jesus can! So, start off on the right foot: burn the mask and be yourself! If who you are isn’t the person your date is looking for (and vice versa) wouldn’t it be better to know that in Act I, Scene I rather than finding out at Intermission or worse, Curtain Call? By then, you may be too emotionally invested to make a wise decision.
“We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed —God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else.” 1 Thessalonians 2:4b-6a NIV
5. Don’t compromise. Make up your mind before you start dating that you will not settle for less than God’s best for your life. Once you have established this boundary, it makes your decisions easier. Take sex for example. If you predetermine that you will not waver where physical intimacy is concerned, then you can say “no” and feel the freedom that comes with obedience to God’s word. Don’t wait until you get into the heat of the moment to try and find your convictions and render a wise decision. We know that hormones produce such a strong current you are not likely to be able to defend against them. A wise woman knows ahead of time how she will respond so that emotions don’t cloud her judgment. In 1 Corinthians 6, the Bible has this to say: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” What about dating someone you know is not right for you. If you have already committed to wait on the Lord and trust Him for your mate, then there is no need to continue in the relationship just for the sake of having someone around or for fear that no one else will come.
I would like to say a word here to those of you who are in a relationship and have already settled for less than God’s best. I would strongly urge you to take a step back and evaluate your situation. Even if you are already engaged, I highly encourage you, no, I beg you to ask for God’s wisdom and allow Him to help you make the necessary choices. My sweet sister, if you have the voice of the Holy Spirit inside you and He is telling you to STOP; heed His warning. If there is sexual sin, stop! If you are in a relationship you know is not honoring the Lord, flee from it! I can speak directly to this situation because I lived it. When I was 20 years old, I became engaged to a man who was wearing a very elaborate mask. We dated for almost a year before becoming engaged so I thought I knew him. After we set a date and began preparing for a large wedding, I began realizing this man was not who he said he was. I didn’t know what to do. I heard a voice inside, not speaking to me, but screaming at me to STOP and turn around. As I hesitated and tried to determine what to do, the wedding date drew closer and closer. We were to have married on May 20 and I finally had the courage to call the wedding off in the first week of April. I have NEVER regretted that decision. God’s grace is sufficient to cover your sin, your fear, your shame and regret. He can even restore what you think is lost and utterly broken. Please don’t spend one more day in a situation that you know is not honoring the Lord and His plan for your life.
What to Expect From a Date
6. Dating is the dress rehearsal for marriage. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” Ephesians 5:25. If you take a look at what the Bible says about how husbands should treat their wives, you’ll see what you should be able to expect from your date. The first thing the verse mentions is love. In 1 Corinthians 13 we are shown a wonderful outline of what real love should look like. “Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” You will notice that nowhere in these verses does it say that love is blind. Observe your date. Listen to his speech. Watch his actions and his reactions. If he is not demonstrating this kind of love in the dating relationship, he won’t do it in a marriage relationship either. Keep in mind you will never find anyone who perfectly carries out all of these qualifications, save One; Jesus! But, the point is that he should be aware of this list and very much attempting to live it out. So should you. The next thing I notice in the verse is that Christ loved the church by giving himself up for her. He has a sacrificial love. You and your date have to be able to put each other first and you must be able to practice this with some success while dating. If you see that your date is habitually self-absorbed or if you are the one who fits this bill, then you are not ready to “go steady.” The last thing I see is that Christ gave Himself up for the church “to make her holy.” Does your date have your holiness in mind? Do you have his in mind? If his goal is to keep you blameless before the Lord, then you are definitely dating someone who could be your mate.
Dating should be anything but a game! If you are abiding in God’s word and you desire His will for your life then you should expect something and someone amazing! You may have to adjust your lenses a bit and wait for the Lord to bring him into view. But, knowing the Lord like I do, he’ll be well worth the wait!
“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:3-7a NIV
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