The Girlfriend's Guide to Girlfriends

A particular theme has been recurring among the ladies I’ve been talking to lately.  It has also been a hot topic at home.  I have two teenaged daughters and the subject of “friends” is of utmost importance during these crucial years of a girl’s life.    But, can we be honest?  The necessity of good friends is something we never outgrow.  No matter what our age or stage of life, we need our girlfriends!  So, here are some practical thoughts I have on developing and maintaining friendships.  I call it “The Girlfriend's Guide to Girlfriends.” 

1.      We were created for relationships; for friendships.  The first friendship we were created for is with our Heavenly Father.  Exodus 33:11a says “The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend.”  We can’t have the face-to-face relationship that Moses had with the Lord here on earth, but we have something Moses didn’t...the Bible.  We must meet regularly with the Lord so that we can develop and strengthen our relationship with Him.  Through the study of His Word, prayer and time with fellow believers we can know Him as one knows a friend; a best Friend!  As believers, our horizontal relationships flow out of the depth of our vertical relationship to God.  If your relationship with the Lord is rich, deep and abiding, that love is going to spill out onto everyone you know.  You cannot contain it!  Likewise, the reverse is true.  If your relationship with the Lord is shallow, distant and on-again-off-again then that feeling of mediocrity and half-heartedness will permeate your other relationships.  “There is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother.”  Proverbs 18:24b. Girls, there is no friend like Jesus!

2.      “If you want to have a friend, you must first be a friend.”  My mother used to say this to me all the time.  It’s so true.  We need other women in our lives.  Who better to understand us than one who is like us?  We place great value on those kindred spirits who can sympathize, empathize and relate to how we girls process things.  But, good friendships require work.  They require selflessness.  Are you thinking of their needs above your own?  Are you making time for them?  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4 NIV.  When you become more concerned with being a friend than having a friend, you will be amazed at how the quantity of friends becomes less important than the quality of your friendships. 

3.      Past pain can cause stunted growth where friendships are concerned.  Friendships that brought you pain in the past may lead you to avoid true intimacy to prevent additional wounds.  In order to cultivate good friendships, you must be able to have a certain level of vulnerability with the other person.  This can be an extremely difficult if the hurt was deep.  By definition a friend is someone who is your "comrade, confidant, advocate, ally, and compatriot."  If a person you thought was your friend has done damage to you, then it is understandable that you wouldn’t want to expose yourself to that again.  However, the Bible commands us to forgive.  If you’ve hung on to that hurt, it’s time to let it go and allow the Lord to heal this.  Release them from the debt and live abundantly today.   “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  Colossians 3:13 NIV.  While we’re on this important topic of forgiveness, it is possible that you may not reconcile with someone you have forgiven.  Forgiveness is commanded, reconciliation is not.  The book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is an excellent resource on this subject.    

4.      Gossip has no place in friendships.  “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.” Proverbs 20:19 NIV.  Friendships should be characterized by the building up and encouragement of each other.  Gossip does nothing but tear down.  Don’t participate in gossip, either by listening to it or spreading it.  It has no place in the Kingdom and won’t accomplish your goal of having godly girlfriends. 

5.      Not all of our friendships will last.  Sometimes the Lord gives us a friend that we will cherish for a considerable amount of time; possibly even a lifetime.  Other times, He provides what we need at the moment; a friend for a season.  Perhaps that person has been through a situation that you are going through and you desperately need their wisdom and guidance in that area.  They fulfill a need or a purpose in your life at a particular time.  Instead of wondering what went wrong and possibly blaming yourself for the loss of this friendship, try looking at it from a different perspective and thank the Lord for providing what you needed, when you needed it. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”  Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV.

Genuine friendships are important, even imperative.  They provide us with companionship, encouragement and compassion.  As I write this, the Christmas season is in full swing.  This can be a particularly lonely time for some people.  I would like to encourage and challenge you to look around and really see those who are around you.  Can you identify and reach out to someone who needs a friend?  Someone who needs a hug, a conversation over a cup of peppermint hot chocolate (my favorite), a word of encouragement?  Take the time to minister to them by showing them kindness.  Who knows, you just might be the answer to their prayer and in the process gain a new girlfriend.