Hold On

This post will be primarily for my married girlfriends.  However, if you are single and still waiting for your mister, it will contain information you can use when he arrives.  J  And, quite honestly, this concept of “holding on” can be applied to any number of situations we could find ourselves in.  I just happen to be writing about it as it applies to marriage here.  Whether you’ve been married, 25 years, 2 years or 2 months, I hope this information will help you to decide to hold on if you are thinking of letting go.  And, perhaps if somewhere in the future you start thinking of letting go, you can remember these words and determine to hang on. 

I cannot tell you how my heart has been broken lately to hear of several couples I know and love who are on the verge of or have already gotten a divorce.  Some have been married for decades, some for only a few years and some have been married less than a year.  Why is this happening?  Why are we, as a society, letting go instead of holding on?  Another heart-breaking fact is that the statistic does not differ between believers and non-believers.  Our faith does not seem to give us any edge when it comes to staying married.  Does this surprise me?  Should this surprise any of us?  No.  We know that the longer we tarry on planet Earth, the more sin will invade and destroy.  Satan, who masquerades as an angel of light will do anything and everything to strike at our families, especially, the ones who claim Christ as their head.  So, while it doesn’t surprise me, it deeply, deeply saddens me. 

For those of you who know me, you know this post is not coming from a spirit of judgment or condemnation.  Quite the contrary, I feel I can speak to you about this matter of “holding on” for two reasons:  One, when you are in full-time ministry, you have the great privilege and responsibility of intervening when it comes to matters of eternal significance.  This is our (mine and my husband’s) calling!  We want to walk these roads with you:  to pray for you, to weep with you, rejoice with you, encourage you and stand in the gap for you.  But, most importantly, reason number two is that I have been in that place where I wanted to let go.  I wanted my life, my marriage to be different.  By God’s grace, we held on and this is what I desperately want for you.  I want you to know that you can choose faith over feelings.  You can determine to cling to the Divine rather than give in to the demise of your marriage.          

James and I will be married 19 years this August.  Surprisingly, our first year of marriage (the one that everyone says is the worst) was wonderful for us.  We both attribute this to the fact that we fought like cats and dogs before we got married so we got most of that ugliness out of the way before we said “I do.”   But, I do understand how that first year can be a real eye-opener.  We had our first child after being married for 2 years and 4 months.  We had another child 23 months later and another child 20 months later.  (Yeah, it was nuts!!!)  We passed our seventh year of marriage and I had a sigh of relief that we had gotten past the seven-year-itch without even feeling the need to scratch!  :-)  But then came year nine.  To be honest, I couldn’t even tell you how it all started.  I don’t remember what led to all those feelings of being utterly dissatisfied and wanting/needing something different to be my reality.  None of those details matter now though.  The detail that does matter is this:  it was temporary!  It didn’t last a day, a week or even a month…it lasted for almost one full year.  But, in the grand scheme of life, it was temporary.   Your life, my life is but a vapor…a fleeting shadow.  When we apply a permanent action to a temporary situation, the result will be disastrous.  So, that is point number one:  Hold on, because every situation you will ever find yourself in is temporary.

“Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is.”  Psalm 39:4 NIV

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

Point number two is this:  Letting go is easy.  It only requires us to stop trying.  Holding on is incredibly difficult.  It requires every ounce of strength, courage, faith and perseverance we have.  You’ve heard the old saying “anything worth having is worth fighting for.”  Well, it is absolutely true and it applies to every facet of life, especially to our marriages.  Sadly, we live in a disposable society.  If we decide we don’t like something or someone, we feel we have the freedom to move on, to start over.  After all, we are supposed to be happy, aren’t we?  Unfortunately, God isn’t nearly as concerned with our happiness as He is our holiness.  Does God want you to have a great marriage, full of joy and intimacy?  You bet He does!  Does He want you to be completely fulfilled in your marriage and experience extreme happiness and contentment?  Yes!  But, above all, He wants you to be holy.  He wants you to fulfill your marriage vows.  When a situation arises that makes you consider letting go, He wants you to endure through the trial so that you come out on the other side stronger and more mature in your Christian walk.  You might be saying to yourself right now, “yes, but you don’t understand my marriage and what I have to endure.”  That is very true.  But I do understand this:  God wants to work in your life and the life of your husband.  He wants you to know His peace and the fulfillment of His promise to never leave you or forsake you.  He wants to restore your marriage to something even more beautiful than it was before.   If we hold on and choose to fight for it, this kind of miraculous redo is completely possible.  If we let go, it isn’t.  When we decide to hold on and hang in there, it could be ugly for a while longer, even a lot longer.  It could get much worse before it gets better.  But, the Lord promises to walk with us.  And, when we can’t walk, He carries us. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4 NIV

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.”  Hebrews 10:23 NIV

Point number 3:  People can change.  I know you might be thinking right about now “this is all easy for you to say, you don’t have to live with my husband.”    True, but I believe God’s word is inerrant and, more importantly, I've seen it happen.  When people come face-to-face with the God of the universe incredible, indescribable things occur.  Sins can be renounced, behaviors can be abandoned and new patterns can begin to overtake and permeate a person’s life.   I do understand that if this feeling of discontent and dissatisfaction has gone on for quite some time you are more likely to think change is impossible.  But, have we forgotten that the same Jesus who conquered sin on a cross and death in the grave is alive in us today?  Have we forgotten that the same Jesus who made the lame walk, the blind see and the deaf hear is alive in us to work out all things for the good of those who love Him?  Do we not remember that He has a plan for us and wants to prosper us and not to harm us?  Have we grown cold to the fact that He is the Way the Truth and the Life, the Wonderful Counselor, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and that nothing is impossible with Him?  Jesus Himself said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  Matthew 19:26 NIV.  He can change your husband, He can change you.  

Let me say a word here to two groups of girls who might be reading this:

1.       Those who are already divorced.  The Bible says in Malachi 2:16a NASB “’For I hate divorce,’” says the Lord, the God of Israel.”  Strong words.  If you have been divorced, you already know why He hates it.  He hates what it does to the hearts it affects.  It tears them apart and sometimes for generations to come.  But, while He hates divorce, He does not hate you!    He can heal, mend and restore, no matter the situation.  Don’t allow the past to dictate your future.  Determine from this point forward to be a person who holds on and does not give up.   

2.       There are two instances where letting go is either necessary or at least acceptable.

a.     Abuse – letting go is necessary.  If you are in an abusive marriage, don’t hold on…flee.  Don’t allow yourself and/or your children to stay in a dangerous situation.  God can change this heart too but safety is your first priority.  Abuse is sin and God does not desire for you to remain in it for the sake of your vows.  If you are being abused, your spouse is certainly not living up to his…to love and cherish.       

b.     Adultery – letting go is acceptable but not necessarily the absolute answer.  The Bible does allow for divorce in cases of adultery.  But, I will say, I have seen couples come back from adultery.  It took lots of counseling, lots of tears, but their marriage was restored and God received all the glory for it. 

James and I have had almost ten years of marriage since year nine.  Ten years of some really great times.  And, ten years of some not-so-great times.  We adopted our fourth child in year thirteen of our marriage.  We have moved from Tampa, to Phoenix, to Dallas and now to Tuscaloosa in just the last five years.  Crazy?  You bet!  Unbearable at times?  Yes!  Worth it?  Without a doubt!  If we had not held on in year nine, we would not have gotten to experience years ten through nineteen and all the years that are to come.  Holding on in year nine taught us to persevere when trial came again…and it always does.  Holding on will do the same for you.

Our Lord wants you to have life and have it to the full.  He wants your marriage to knock your socks off.  Sometimes, though, a full life (a full marriage) has seasons of pain and trial.  It is part of living.  When this happens, Jesus wants to intervene and cause what seems broken, lifeless and meaningless to bloom and flourish and bring you joy.  But, He can only do this if you hold on.  You must give Him the opportunity to do what He does best…SAVE!  He can save your soul.  He can save your marriage.  Won’t you hold on just a little longer?   

Drama Queen

The last post I wrote discussed the differences between men and women. (See Fashioned and Formed.) The most dramatic difference, I believe, is the emotional difference. Men were created with fewer emotions; women were created with more. To ensure His design, God gave us hormones that would serve to steer our emotions. Ah, lovely hormones! Most of the time, our emotions are our friend. They guide us, give us intuitions, allow us to feel things we need to in order to fulfill our callings as women. They fill our joys with laughter and our sorrows with tears. However, sometimes, our emotions are not our friends. Instead of us controlling them, they control us. And, as a Christian, anything besides the Holy Spirit that controls us makes us a slave and leads us into bondage.   

Unless you enjoy acting on stage, being known as a drama queen is not a term of endearment. Have you ever had that friend? You know the one that totally drains you of energy and joy because of her enormous amount of “stuff?” The one you start to avoid after a while because she is always in some sort of emotional crises? I have. I have even been that person. (And just to be clear, I’m not talking about the once-a-month emotional crisis that makes us all a little nuts! :-)

If this description fits you or someone you know, one thing is for sure…constantly jumping from one emotional crisis to the next is utterly exhausting and does not display Christ to others! God does not intend for His daughters to live like this; being held hostage by our emotions. And, there is no way this kind of emotional roller coaster life is attractive to non-believers. 

What can we do?

First, I believe you have to want to regain control. There are some women who wear their emotions or their lack of control over them as a badge. They proudly display them for all to see, hear and experience. Some women have been seriously wronged or hurt in the course of their life. It is easier to understand, (especially if the hurt or wrong was caused by someone else), why they would choose to wear such a badge. I know because I myself wore one for years. I used it as an excuse to behave the way I did. I had been wronged and therefore was entitled to my “emotional issues.” I actually thought I couldn’t live without this badge (baggage) and wondered who I would be without it. While it is true that understanding and grace in abundance is necessary and should be offered in these cases, it is not true that this is “just who we are” or “we have a right to behave this way.” The only badge we should ever wear is that of a Christ follower! I hope and pray it is your desire to have people see Jesus in you…not your issues. If you have been wronged or hurt, give this over to Him. Accept Christ’s forgiveness. Forgive the person who wronged you. Forgive yourself. Seek professional counseling if you need to. Christ came to bring us freedom in every realm: physical, spiritual, mental and yes…emotional. Galatians 5:1 says “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” I have had to do all of these things so I know how hard it is. On your own, you can’t do it. But as Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”

So, that is step number one in the process of freedom from out-of-control emotions...decide that enough is enough and be determined to get yourself off the emotional roller coaster. Below are a few other practical steps the Lord laid on my heart:

1. Our battle over our emotions begins in our minds, not in our hearts. We must have a renewing of our minds if we are to gain control of our emotions.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8 NIV

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2 NIV

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV

How you think will determine how you live. I wrote a previous blog post on this titled “Who Do You Think You Are?” Please refer to this post for more on this important step of getting rid of lies we may have believed about ourselves and our situations. We must have correct thinking!

2. Out-of-control emotions lead to a state of confusion and chaos. Our God is not a God of confusion but rather of peace. One of my favorite titles given to Christ is that He is the Prince of Peace. If you are being overrun by your emotions, the thing you want most is peace. Who better to bring it than the One who is the Prince over it! 

“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:33a ESV.

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NIV

“And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6b NIVDid you also notice in that last verse that Christ is called the Wonderful Counselor? I have been “seen” many thousands of times by the Wonderful Counselor. Pour out your heart to Him. He already knows what your issues are. Start there, but by all means, if the situation requires it, seek professional help. Christ has gifted many men and women in the area of Christian counseling. Some may also require the help of a medical doctor. 

3. The weight of sin that has not been dealt with causes extreme emotions. Even if we have asked forgiveness for past or present sin, if we haven’t accepted it, we are still living as though we are not forgiven. I have seen this time and time again regarding circumstances of sexual sin, (especially in cases of abuse and abortion.) Because the consequences of some sin is so great, we feel we can’t be forgiven or get out from under the crushing weight of them. Sweet friend, Christ died once, for all! He died for all people, for all sin! Don’t let the enemy bind you when Christ has already paid for your transgressions and taken away your shame and reproach. Talk to someone about your struggle. Don’t keep the secret buried inside you. It will only serve to further propel your unhealthy emotions.

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:25 NIV

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12 NIV

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 NIV

4. Constant worry is a serious threat to our emotional well-being. I have talked to many ladies recently who are overwhelmed with worry. Some are even  having panic attacks. If we look at our own lives, look around us or watch the news these days, we will find plenty of things we can be worried about. But, Christ Himself warned us about worry:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 NIV

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 NIV

There is an endless number of things to be concerned with; an endless number of situations to get on our faces before God about…but the difference between genuine concern and worry is one little word: trust. When we live in a state of worry, we say we don’t trust God to handle these things and we take the burden of them upon ourselves. When we present our requests/our concerns to the Lord and we trust Him with them, He carries those burdens for us. Do you see what an enormous difference that is? We aren’t made to carry them nor do we have the capacity to do it successfully.   

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30

God loves His girls…He wants us to be free to be the beautiful, emotional women He’s created us to be!  But, if your emotions have control over your life, you are not free; you are hindered and entangled. 

“...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus,…" Hebrews 12:1b-2a

I don’t know about you, but I'm getting my running shoes on right now!