I cannot tell you how my heart has been broken lately to hear of several couples I know and love who are on the verge of or have already gotten a divorce. Some have been married for decades, some for only a few years and some have been married less than a year. Why is this happening? Why are we, as a society, letting go instead of holding on? Another heart-breaking fact is that the statistic does not differ between believers and non-believers. Our faith does not seem to give us any edge when it comes to staying married. Does this surprise me? Should this surprise any of us? No. We know that the longer we tarry on planet Earth, the more sin will invade and destroy. Satan, who masquerades as an angel of light will do anything and everything to strike at our families, especially, the ones who claim Christ as their head. So, while it doesn’t surprise me, it deeply, deeply saddens me.
For those of you who know me, you know this post is not
coming from a spirit of judgment or condemnation. Quite the contrary, I feel I can speak to you
about this matter of “holding on” for two reasons: One, when you are in full-time ministry, you have
the great privilege and responsibility of intervening when it comes to matters
of eternal significance. This is our (mine
and my husband’s) calling! We want to
walk these roads with you: to pray for
you, to weep with you, rejoice with you, encourage you and stand in the gap for
you. But, most importantly, reason number
two is that I have been in that place where I wanted to let go. I wanted my life, my marriage to be
different. By God’s grace, we held on
and this is what I desperately want for you.
I want you to know that you can choose faith over feelings. You can determine to cling to the Divine
rather than give in to the demise of your marriage.
James and I will be married 19 years this August. Surprisingly, our first year of marriage (the
one that everyone says is the worst) was wonderful for us. We both attribute this to the fact that we
fought like cats and dogs before we got married so we got most of that ugliness
out of the way before we said “I do.” But,
I do understand how that first year can be a real eye-opener. We had our first child after being married
for 2 years and 4 months. We had another
child 23 months later and another child 20 months later. (Yeah, it was nuts!!!) We passed our seventh year of marriage and I
had a sigh of relief that we had gotten past the seven-year-itch without even feeling
the need to scratch! :-) But then came year nine. To be honest, I couldn’t even tell you how it
all started. I don’t remember what led
to all those feelings of being utterly dissatisfied and wanting/needing
something different to be my reality. None
of those details matter now though. The
detail that does matter is this: it was
temporary! It didn’t last a day, a
week or even a month…it lasted for almost one full year. But, in the grand scheme of life, it was
temporary. Your life, my life is but a
vapor…a fleeting shadow. When we apply a
permanent action to a temporary situation, the result will be disastrous. So, that is point number one: Hold on, because every situation you will ever
find yourself in is temporary.
“Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the
number of my days; let me know how fleeting
my life is.” Psalm 39:4 NIV
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
Point number two is this:
Letting go is easy. It only requires
us to stop trying. Holding on is
incredibly difficult. It requires every
ounce of strength, courage, faith and perseverance we have. You’ve heard the old saying “anything worth
having is worth fighting for.” Well, it
is absolutely true and it applies to every facet of life, especially to our
marriages. Sadly, we live in a disposable
society. If we decide we don’t like
something or someone, we feel we have the freedom to move on, to start over. After all, we are supposed to be happy,
aren’t we? Unfortunately, God isn’t
nearly as concerned with our happiness as He is our holiness. Does God want you to have a great marriage,
full of joy and intimacy? You bet He
does! Does He want you to be completely
fulfilled in your marriage and experience extreme happiness and
contentment? Yes! But, above all, He wants you to be holy. He wants you to fulfill your marriage
vows. When a situation arises that makes
you consider letting go, He wants you to endure through the trial so that you
come out on the other side stronger and more mature in your Christian
walk. You might be saying to yourself
right now, “yes, but you don’t understand my marriage and what I have to
endure.” That is very true. But I do understand this: God wants to work in your life and the life
of your husband. He wants you to know
His peace and the fulfillment of His promise to never leave you or forsake
you. He wants to restore your marriage
to something even more beautiful than it was before. If we hold on and choose to fight for it, this kind of miraculous redo
is completely possible. If we let go, it
isn’t. When we decide to hold on and
hang in there, it could be ugly for a while longer, even a lot longer. It could get much worse before it gets
better. But, the Lord promises to walk
with us. And, when we can’t walk, He
carries us.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not
dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no
record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and
sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know
that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that
you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 NIV
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we
profess, for He who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23 NIV
Point number 3:
People can change. I know you
might be thinking right about now “this is all easy for you to say, you don’t
have to live with my husband.” True, but I believe God’s word is inerrant
and, more importantly, I've seen it happen.
When people come face-to-face with the God of the universe incredible,
indescribable things occur. Sins can be
renounced, behaviors can be abandoned and new patterns can begin to overtake
and permeate a person’s life. I do
understand that if this feeling of discontent and dissatisfaction has gone on
for quite some time you are more likely to think change is impossible. But, have we forgotten that the same Jesus
who conquered sin on a cross and death in the grave is alive in us today? Have we forgotten that the same Jesus who
made the lame walk, the blind see and the deaf hear is alive in us to work out
all things for the good of those who love Him?
Do we not remember that He has a plan for us and wants to prosper us and
not to harm us? Have we grown cold to
the fact that He is the Way the Truth and the Life, the Wonderful Counselor,
the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and that nothing is impossible with Him? Jesus Himself said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV. He can change your husband, He can change
you.
Let me say a word here to two groups of girls who might be
reading this:
1.
Those who
are already divorced. The Bible says in
Malachi 2:16a NASB “’For I hate divorce,’” says the Lord, the God of Israel.”
Strong words. If you have been
divorced, you already know why He hates it.
He hates what it does to the hearts it affects.
It tears them apart and sometimes for generations to come. But, while He hates divorce, He does not hate
you! He can heal, mend and restore, no
matter the situation. Don’t allow the
past to dictate your future. Determine
from this point forward to be a person who holds on and does not give up.
2.
There are two instances where letting go is
either necessary or at least acceptable.
a. Abuse – letting go is necessary. If you are in an abusive marriage, don’t hold
on…flee. Don’t allow yourself and/or
your children to stay in a dangerous situation.
God can change this heart too but safety is your first priority. Abuse is sin and God does not desire for you
to remain in it for the sake of your vows.
If you are being abused, your spouse is certainly not living up to
his…to love and cherish.
b.
Adultery – letting go is acceptable but not necessarily
the absolute answer. The Bible does
allow for divorce in cases of adultery.
But, I will say, I have seen couples come back from adultery. It took lots of counseling, lots of tears, but
their marriage was restored and God received all the glory for it.
James
and I have had almost ten years of marriage since year nine. Ten years of some really great times. And, ten years of some not-so-great times. We adopted our fourth child in year thirteen
of our marriage. We have moved from
Tampa, to Phoenix, to Dallas and now to Tuscaloosa in just the last five
years. Crazy? You bet! Unbearable at times? Yes!
Worth it? Without a doubt! If we had not held on in year nine, we would
not have gotten to experience years ten through nineteen and all the years that
are to come. Holding on in year nine
taught us to persevere when trial came again…and it always does. Holding on will do the same for you.
Our
Lord wants you to have life and have it to the full. He wants your marriage to knock your socks
off. Sometimes, though, a full life (a
full marriage) has seasons of pain and trial.
It is part of living. When this
happens, Jesus wants to intervene and cause what seems broken, lifeless and
meaningless to bloom and flourish and bring you joy. But, He can only do this if you hold
on. You must give Him the opportunity to
do what He does best…SAVE! He can save
your soul. He can save your marriage. Won’t you hold on just a little longer?
No comments:
Post a Comment