The Girlfriend's Guide to Girlfriends

A particular theme has been recurring among the ladies I’ve been talking to lately.  It has also been a hot topic at home.  I have two teenaged daughters and the subject of “friends” is of utmost importance during these crucial years of a girl’s life.    But, can we be honest?  The necessity of good friends is something we never outgrow.  No matter what our age or stage of life, we need our girlfriends!  So, here are some practical thoughts I have on developing and maintaining friendships.  I call it “The Girlfriend's Guide to Girlfriends.” 

1.      We were created for relationships; for friendships.  The first friendship we were created for is with our Heavenly Father.  Exodus 33:11a says “The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend.”  We can’t have the face-to-face relationship that Moses had with the Lord here on earth, but we have something Moses didn’t...the Bible.  We must meet regularly with the Lord so that we can develop and strengthen our relationship with Him.  Through the study of His Word, prayer and time with fellow believers we can know Him as one knows a friend; a best Friend!  As believers, our horizontal relationships flow out of the depth of our vertical relationship to God.  If your relationship with the Lord is rich, deep and abiding, that love is going to spill out onto everyone you know.  You cannot contain it!  Likewise, the reverse is true.  If your relationship with the Lord is shallow, distant and on-again-off-again then that feeling of mediocrity and half-heartedness will permeate your other relationships.  “There is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother.”  Proverbs 18:24b. Girls, there is no friend like Jesus!

2.      “If you want to have a friend, you must first be a friend.”  My mother used to say this to me all the time.  It’s so true.  We need other women in our lives.  Who better to understand us than one who is like us?  We place great value on those kindred spirits who can sympathize, empathize and relate to how we girls process things.  But, good friendships require work.  They require selflessness.  Are you thinking of their needs above your own?  Are you making time for them?  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4 NIV.  When you become more concerned with being a friend than having a friend, you will be amazed at how the quantity of friends becomes less important than the quality of your friendships. 

3.      Past pain can cause stunted growth where friendships are concerned.  Friendships that brought you pain in the past may lead you to avoid true intimacy to prevent additional wounds.  In order to cultivate good friendships, you must be able to have a certain level of vulnerability with the other person.  This can be an extremely difficult if the hurt was deep.  By definition a friend is someone who is your "comrade, confidant, advocate, ally, and compatriot."  If a person you thought was your friend has done damage to you, then it is understandable that you wouldn’t want to expose yourself to that again.  However, the Bible commands us to forgive.  If you’ve hung on to that hurt, it’s time to let it go and allow the Lord to heal this.  Release them from the debt and live abundantly today.   “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  Colossians 3:13 NIV.  While we’re on this important topic of forgiveness, it is possible that you may not reconcile with someone you have forgiven.  Forgiveness is commanded, reconciliation is not.  The book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is an excellent resource on this subject.    

4.      Gossip has no place in friendships.  “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.” Proverbs 20:19 NIV.  Friendships should be characterized by the building up and encouragement of each other.  Gossip does nothing but tear down.  Don’t participate in gossip, either by listening to it or spreading it.  It has no place in the Kingdom and won’t accomplish your goal of having godly girlfriends. 

5.      Not all of our friendships will last.  Sometimes the Lord gives us a friend that we will cherish for a considerable amount of time; possibly even a lifetime.  Other times, He provides what we need at the moment; a friend for a season.  Perhaps that person has been through a situation that you are going through and you desperately need their wisdom and guidance in that area.  They fulfill a need or a purpose in your life at a particular time.  Instead of wondering what went wrong and possibly blaming yourself for the loss of this friendship, try looking at it from a different perspective and thank the Lord for providing what you needed, when you needed it. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”  Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV.

Genuine friendships are important, even imperative.  They provide us with companionship, encouragement and compassion.  As I write this, the Christmas season is in full swing.  This can be a particularly lonely time for some people.  I would like to encourage and challenge you to look around and really see those who are around you.  Can you identify and reach out to someone who needs a friend?  Someone who needs a hug, a conversation over a cup of peppermint hot chocolate (my favorite), a word of encouragement?  Take the time to minister to them by showing them kindness.  Who knows, you just might be the answer to their prayer and in the process gain a new girlfriend. 

Beauty From the Inside Out

Right now I’m going through “Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh with my two teenage daughters.  In my Quiet Time I’m reading through the book of First Samuel.  One theme from these two books struck me and I hope it encourages and challenges you too.      

1 Samuel 8:4-5, says:  “So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, ‘You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have.’"

The fact that Samuel’s sons did not follow the Lord is a whole other story in itself.  But for now, let’s concentrate on the fact that the people rejected God as their king and wanted to be like everyone else.  They wanted to be "normal."

1 Samuel 9:2 says:  “Kish had a son named Saul, as handsome a young man as could be found anywhere in Israel, and he was a head taller than anyone else.”

We can surmise from this verse that Saul certainly “looked” the part of a king.  He was tall, dark and handsome.  He appeared commanding and capable from the outside, but was he really?  Several verses later, Samuel gives the news to Saul that he has been chosen as the first king of Israel.  He responds by saying:  “But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why do you say such a thing to me?” 

Sounds like a little bit of insecurity. I can understand that the news was shocking and perhaps he didn’t feel deserving of such a high calling.  But, as we read further, we see more of his character emerge.  In chapter 10, Samuel has all the tribes of Israel come forward so that the Lord can indeed give them what they “want.”  In verses 20-24, it says this:  “When Samuel had all Israel come forward by tribes, the tribe of Benjamin was taken by lot.  Then he brought forward the tribe of Benjamin, clan by clan, and Matri’s clan was taken. Finally Saul son of Kish was taken. But when they looked for him, he was not to be found. So they inquired further of the Lord, ‘Has the man come here yet?’  And the Lord said, ‘Yes, he has hidden himself among the supplies.’ They ran and brought him out, and as he stood among the people he was a head taller than any of the others.  Samuel said to all the people, ‘Do you see the man the Lord has chosen? There is no one like him among all the people.’’

If you keep reading the story of Saul you will find that his inner being was not lined up with his outer package.  Because he looked “kingly” the people assigned him more value. In Lies Young Women Believe, lie #7 is “Beautiful Girls are Worth More.” Somehow, some way, in our society, we’ve come to believe that.  We can look at someone, and in just a few seconds, sum them up.  We may even treat them a certain way because of our perception of them.  We also apply this extremely dangerous logic to our own selves.  When we believe lies about who we are based upon our own or someone else’s perception of us, it leads us into bondage.  Proverbs 23:7 NKJV says this:  “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” If you think too highly of yourself, so you are.  If you think too lowly of yourself, so you are.  We MUST have a proper perspective of who we are so that we can break this bondage of judging and being judged for who we appear to be on the outside. 

By all means, take care of your temple:  exercise, eat right, get your hair done, and buy yourself something with bling from time to time.  But ladies, take heed!  The real treasure of who you are lies within!  Spend twice as much time in prayer, in bible reading, in serving others, in being gracious, in loving those who are unlovely, in showing hospitality, in showing Christ to a lost and hurting world…

God illustrated this point beautifully to the Israelites.  Saul looked amazing but he failed miserably as king.  His insecurities became his downfall.  We all know the story.  The Lord rejected Saul as king because he did not have a heart for Him; he did not spend time cultivating his inner man.  After some time, the Lord told Samuel to go to the house of Jesse in Bethlehem to anoint one of his sons as the next king. 

1 Samuel 16:6-7 shows us that even Samuel fell prey to the belief that outer appearance mattered but the Lord set the record straight.  “So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, ‘Surely the Lord’s anointed is before Him!’ But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’” 

Jesse had eight sons.  David was the youngest, the least, if you will.  He was the most inexperienced and the most unlikely to become king.  He would not have been the "normal" choice.  But, he was a man after God’s own heart.  He was not perfect, in fact, far from it; but he had a heart for God.  Don't you just love the fact that God uses people that society would call unlikely and those who aren't normal to do great things for Him?  He assigns value based on what's in our hearts and our willingness to serve Him. 
 
True and lasting beauty comes from the inside and there is no way to keep it there.  What is on the inside will show forth on the outside.  Let’s get out there and be true beauties today!

The Dating Game

Many of you are too young to have watched the game show from the late 60s and 70’s called “The Dating Game.”  You probably, however, have seen re-runs or know the premise of the show.  In this pre-technology version of Match.com, contestants would ask questions of three potential dates who were hidden from their view.  Without seeing them they would make judgments about that person based on their answers.  The lucky person chosen would then get to escort the contestant on a weekend rendezvous to an exotic location.  I can well remember watching (as a kid, a very young kid ;-) and rooting for the person I wanted them to choose.  I would slap high fives with my siblings if they chose the one we deemed “the best” and we would let out a loud “boo!” if they did not concur with our choice.  Oftentimes you could see a look of great disappointment on the contestants faces when all the choices were revealed and they had not picked the most outwardly appealing. 

Today, the methods used for finding a date have greatly evolved through the use of technology.  Dating itself, however, has not changed.  You can still feel like it is a total guessing game.  It still has awkward beginnings and is filled with stress and wondering.  You wonder if they feel the same about you as you feel about them.  You wonder if they really are the person they seem to be and they wonder the same thing about you.  You can be plagued with questions like “Where have all the good men gone?”  “When will he ever ask me out?”  “How long do I wait to let him see the real me?”  “How far is too far?”  It’s exhausting, isn’t it?  I know.  I spent a great deal of time there myself.  Wouldn’t it be great if someone wrote a book and told you everything you needed to know about Christian dating?  Things like how to find a date, how to act on a date and what to expect from a date?  I have great news!  Someone did write a book about that!  We are going to look into God’s Word and see what He has to say to you about dating.  After all, He created that man you may see as a potential mate and He created you too.  Who better to tell us how to knit those hearts together than the Maker of them? 

The first thing I want to do is clarify what I mean by dating.  As a Christian, dating should not be something you do carelessly or casually.  It shouldn’t be something you do because you are bored or you just need a “someone” in your life to fill a void of loneliness.  Dating is a means to finding your mate; the second most important decision you will ever make.  If you treat it lightly or without respect, you just might find what you aren’t looking for.  You need to see every man you agree to go on a date with as a potential mate.  Do I think you should want to marry every person you date?  Heavens, no!  But, I want you to consider dating so seriously that you could see yourself marrying him should the course of your relationship turn in that direction.

How to Find a Date

1.  Pray, pray, pray!  The first place you should start even long before you begin dating is prayer.  If you want to date but don’t have any takers in sight, pray.  If you have a potential date in front of you and you want God’s direction for a possible relationship, pray.  If you are already in a dating relationship and want God’s blessing and wisdom for the relationship, pray.  The Bible clearly tells us that we should ask God for the things we want.  If you are praying with right motives, God will hear you.  His answer may not come in your timing, but just because you can’t see Him moving at this very moment, doesn’t mean He isn’t working!   It’s OK even to pray for Him to HURRY! J 

“May he turn our hearts to him, to walk in obedience to him and keep the commands, decrees and laws he gave our ancestors. And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the Lord, be near to the Lord our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant.”  1 Kings 8:58-59a NIV

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

“The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”  James 5:16b

2.  Rewrite/rethink your list.  If your checklist of "mate material must-haves" goes something like this:   tall, dark, handsome and wealthy you should consider tossing it.  The list you should make and pray over regularly is all the godly qualities you are looking for in a mate.  Things like spiritual maturity, spiritual leadership, a servant’s heart, loving, compassionate, slow to anger, filled with integrity, peaceable, one who seeks wisdom from the Lord.  Do you see any external qualities in this list?  Yes, I know you need to be attracted to your date/mate physically.  But, let me remind you of the law of gravity.  External qualities will shift to other places over time (for both of you!)  If you find a man who possess the godly qualities you are looking for, he will be the most beautiful man you have ever seen!  

“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”  1 Samuel 16:7b NIV

 

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”  Matthew 12:35 NIV

3.  Don’t go looking for love in all the wrong places.  Once you have your list of godly qualities and you are praying over this regularly, you need to be in the places where your potential date could find you.  This is self-explanatory but it needs to be said.  As Tommy Nelson said in the “Song of Solomon” series, “Run at the cross, look left and right and see who else is running at the same pace.  Lock arms with them and run at the cross together.”  I love that picture, don’t you?  Did you know you should be equally yoked, even if both of you are Christians.  There are many levels of spiritual maturity.  Just because the guy owns a Bible and can find the book of Habakkuk doesn’t mean he is God’s man for you.  It might.  But, I encourage you to get to know him on a spiritual level so you can determine if you are running in the same race and at the same pace.  If God is calling you to the mission field and you are dating someone who wants nothing to do with it, one of you is going to be miserable.  And, while we’re on the subject of missionaries, I strongly discourage missionary dating.  It is generally not fruitful and can have painful consequences.  I’ve watched it happen many times and it usually doesn’t end with the intended results.    

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.”  Philippians 2:1-2 NIV

How to Act on a Date

4.  Be yourself.  I always hated that initial dating period where you felt like you needed to be someone else, someone better in order to be approved.  I call it the “mask” phase.  It is possible to put on your mask, act your part and be anyone you want to be for a little while; but eventually, the real you comes out.  Why do we do this?  Why do we exhaust ourselves and why do we assume the “real” us isn’t good enough?  I guess it’s human nature to feel like we need to be perfect.  But, as Christians, we know we cannot be perfect.  Only Jesus can!  So, start off on the right foot:  burn the mask and be yourself!  If who you are isn’t the person your date is looking for (and vice versa) wouldn’t it be better to know that in Act I, Scene I rather than finding out at Intermission or worse, Curtain Call?  By then, you may be too emotionally invested to make a wise decision. 

“We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed —God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else.” 1 Thessalonians 2:4b-6a NIV

5.  Don’t compromise. Make up your mind before you start dating that you will not settle for less than God’s best for your life.  Once you have established this boundary, it makes your decisions easier.  Take sex for example.  If you predetermine that you will not waver where physical intimacy is concerned, then you can say “no” and feel the freedom that comes with obedience to God’s word.  Don’t wait until you get into the heat of the moment to try and find your convictions and render a wise decision.  We know that hormones produce such a strong current you are not likely to be able to defend against them.  A wise woman knows ahead of time how she will respond so that emotions don’t cloud her judgment.  In 1 Corinthians 6, the Bible has this to say:  “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”  What about dating someone you know is not right for you.  If you have already committed to wait on the Lord and trust Him for your mate, then there is no need to continue in the relationship just for the sake of having someone around or for fear that no one else will come. 

I would like to say a word here to those of you who are in a relationship and have already settled for less than God’s best.  I would strongly urge you to take a step back and evaluate your situation.  Even if you are already engaged, I highly encourage you, no, I beg you to ask for God’s wisdom and allow Him to help you make the necessary choices.  My sweet sister, if you have the voice of the Holy Spirit inside you and He is telling you to STOP; heed His warning.  If there is sexual sin, stop!  If you are in a relationship you know is not honoring the Lord, flee from it!  I can speak directly to this situation because I lived it.  When I was 20 years old, I became engaged to a man who was wearing a very elaborate mask.  We dated for almost a year before becoming engaged so I thought I knew him.  After we set a date and began preparing for a large wedding, I began realizing this man was not who he said he was.  I didn’t know what to do.  I heard a voice inside, not speaking to me, but screaming at me to STOP and turn around.  As I hesitated and tried to determine what to do, the wedding date drew closer and closer.  We were to have married on May 20 and I finally had the courage to call the wedding off in the first week of April.  I have NEVER regretted that decision.  God’s grace is sufficient to cover your sin, your fear, your shame and regret.  He can even restore what you think is lost and utterly broken.  Please don’t spend one more day in a situation that you know is not honoring the Lord and His plan for your life.     

What to Expect From a Date    

6.  Dating is the dress rehearsal for marriage.  “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” Ephesians 5:25. If you take a look at what the Bible says about how husbands should treat their wives, you’ll see what you should be able to expect from your date.  The first thing the verse mentions is love.  In 1 Corinthians 13 we are shown a wonderful outline of what real love should look like.  “Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  You will notice that nowhere in these verses does it say that love is blind.  Observe your date.  Listen to his speech.  Watch his actions and his reactions.  If he is not demonstrating this kind of love in the dating relationship, he won’t do it in a marriage relationship either.  Keep in mind you will never find anyone who perfectly carries out all of these qualifications, save One; Jesus!  But, the point is that he should be aware of this list and very much attempting to live it out.  So should you.  The next thing I notice in the verse is that Christ loved the church by giving himself up for her.  He has a sacrificial love.  You and your date have to be able to put each other first and you must be able to practice this with some success while dating.  If you see that your date is habitually self-absorbed or if you are the one who fits this bill, then you are not ready to “go steady.”  The last thing I see is that Christ gave Himself up for the church “to make her holy.”  Does your date have your holiness in mind?  Do you have his in mind?  If his goal is to keep you blameless before the Lord, then you are definitely dating someone who could be your mate.    

Dating should be anything but a game!  If you are abiding in God’s word and you desire His will for your life then you should expect something and someone amazing!  You may have to adjust your lenses a bit and wait for the Lord to bring him into view.  But, knowing the Lord like I do, he’ll be well worth the wait! 

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:  He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:3-7a NIV

Single and Content?

Many years ago, I had a very enlightening conversation with a man who was in our singles group in Tampa.  This man was in his late forties and he asked me in all sincerity if I thought he was abnormal for not wanting to be married.  (We happened to be on our way to a wedding at that very minute!)  I thought about this for a moment then I asked him this question:  “Tell me, are you content with your life as it is?”  He said, “I really am.  I love my life and couldn’t imagine it any other way.”  I said “Well, then, not only do I NOT think you are abnormal, I think you are to be envied! Do you realize how many singles miss any chance of contentment today because they are waiting for tomorrow when they will be married and in their minds, "normal"?  And, do you also realize how many people are married and miserable and willing to give anything, including their marital status, to be able to say they are content today?” 

I want to let you in on a little secret:  being Single is NOT a disease; it is not an abnormal state you wait in until your "real" life begins!  Most people will marry, but some won’t; whether by their own choice or by God’s design.  I firmly believe if it is by God’s design, He will lead you to the place of my friend in Tampa; to the place the apostle Paul wrote about in Philippians 4:  “for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” 

It is absolutely possible to be single and content.  (Married and content too, but that advice is for another blogger to write about!)  Does that mean you have to give up your dreams of getting married and having children one day?  No way!  Does it mean that while you wait for that chapter of your life to unfold you can’t live out loud in the present?  Abolutely not!  How is this done?  How is contentment achieved when society teaches us to be disillusioned with what we have and desirous of more?  How do we learn to be grateful and at peace with what we’ve been given and stop continuously yearning for something or someone else? 

The first thing we need to do is to understand that contentment is not happiness.  Happiness is a much sought after commodity in our culture, however, happiness can be fickle and elusive.  It is a temporary and fleeting emotion that cannot make up its mind.  No sooner do you have a blissful encounter with it when it is whisked away and replaced by some other sensation; worry perhaps, or fear.  Contentment, on the other hand, is more reliable; more of a steady state of joy.  It assumes peace of mind and steadfastness despite circumstances.  It is not easily given to emotions thereby making it a more stable weapon in the Christian arsenal.  Contentment focuses on what you have rather than what you don’t.  The really good news is that, according to the apostle Paul, it can be learned.  And if Paul had to learn contentment that means there is hope for you and me!  

Here are the things I think we can "learn" about contentment:

1.  Practice makes perfect - As with anything we learn in life, we do so by practicing it.  Don’t you just hate that?  If we want a godly principal, or any habit for that matter, to take root in our lives and become a part of our character we have to do the thing over and over again.  Take patience for instance.  You want to learn it?  You don’t just get zapped with it and become Job-like.  No, you have to be faced with situations that require patience over and over and over until your first and natural inclination is to be patient.  It is a process and sometimes, a long one.  And, trust me, God loves you so much He is willing to re-enroll you in the class until you pass.  Pray and ask God to help you learn to be content.  Ask Him to teach you what it means to be grateful for what you have.  If you are serious about it, you will be presented with situations in which you have to choose whether or not you will be content despite your circumstances. You won’t do it perfectly, but you can learn to trust God and trust His process to get you there.

“Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.” Psalm 86:11 NIV

2.  You can’t learn contentment for yourself if you’re busy studying other people – There is no faster way to fail the test of contentment than to start comparing yourself with others.  I used to struggle greatly with this particular issue. I compared myself with my friends, my coworkers and even with people from church.  I would look at what they had compared to what I had and wonder...“Why do they have that and I have this?”  “Why is she married and I’m not even dating?”  “Why do they seem extremely blessed when I feel forgotten?”  “Why does she seem so happy when I can’t find a moment of peace?”  “Why does God allow that person such victory in their life and my life is such a mess?”  When comparison begins to creep into our thinking, we can be sure this is the work of the enemy.  He seeks to steal your joy, kill any attempts you make at finding contentment and destroy your hope of ever having “enough.”  Think about this though, when you compare yourself to another person, you really have no idea what kind of road they are walking.  They may seem to have everything together and have the kind of life you want, but underneath, they may be in great pain or deep sorrow.  They may be hiding secret sin and the shame and guilt that goes along with it.  Live the life God has given YOU!  If you knew the whole truth about the person you are comparing yourself with, you might not want their life. 

"That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original."  Galatians 5:26 MSG

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."  Galatians 6:4-5

3.  Worry and contentment cannot coexist – Read the words of Jesus in Matthew 6 and let them sink in.  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?...Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?...So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”  Worry is a serious problem in our society today.  There are so many things we could be worried about; the economy, our health, relationships, our finances, etc.  But, when we are consumed with worry over the details of our lives, it leaves no room for our LIFE!  Ultimately, our worry says we do not have faith in God and do not trust in Him to take care of the situation we are in.  Harsh words, I know, but I’ve been there.  I still go there.  It doesn’t feel good to let worry creep into a situation, take over and steal my joy.  I’m sure you feel the same way. 

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22

“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that”. 1 Timothy 6:6-8 NIV

4.  Being content does not mean giving up your dreams – The Bible tells us to learn contentment and urges us to be grateful with the life God has given us.  It does not tell us we can’t have dreams and set goals for ourselves.  Our God is a God of miracles!  The same Jesus who walked on the water, fed five thousand, healed the sick and was raised from the dead is the same one we serve today!  He wants us to dream big, pray big and live as though we really do believe Him.  To be content with what He has provided for us in this moment is not saying we must settle for or be satisfied right where we are forever.  There is a difference.  We are to press on as the scripture says.  We are to strive for better things, different things, especially where our character is concerned.  But, in the process, we are to be humbly grateful for today.  If our motives for our future goals and dreams are godly, they are not wrong.  Just make sure you pass them through the filter of scripture to determine whether they will ultimately glorify you or the Father! 

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14 NIV

“All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the LORD weighs the motives.  Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established.”  Proverbs 16:2-3 NIV

“The noble man devises noble plans; and by noble plans he stands.”  Isaiah 32:8 NIV

So, that’s my two cents worth:  practice contentment, don’t compare yourself with others, stop worrying and dream big!  God wants abundance for you my friend; the pressed down, shaken together and running over kind.  The question is if your cup doesn’t look so full right now, can you still be content with what IS in it? 

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21 NIV

The Waiting Game

Many years ago when James and I first started in Singles Ministry, we met with a young lady in our singles group in Pensacola, Florida. At the time, she was probably in her mid-thirties and had a deep desire to be married. As we talked with her about the plans she had for her life and how she was handling “the waiting game”, she made this statement: “At this point, I’m just hoping Prince Charming’s horse is only pokey and not dead!” We all laughed our heads off. That was more than twelve years ago and I have never forgotten this hilarious yet sobering statement.

How do you continue to wait when you have a God-given desire to be married and have a family and there is no Prince Charming in sight? You stretch your gaze out across the horizon time and time again only to have your eyes meet with the same deserted landscape. There is no knight in shining armor, no white horse, no one riding gallantly toward you to sweep you off your feet, take you to his castle and live happily ever after. (OK, that last part might be a slight exaggeration of reality, but a girl can dream, can’t she?)

Waiting can be painful! If you’re not careful, you can allow yourself to have all sorts of wrong thoughts, emotions and actions while you attempt to wait patiently on the Lord. Believe me when I say I have lived on both sides of this dilemma. There were times when I waited patiently and made the most of my time and there were times when I decided I had enough of waiting and took matters into my own hands. In addition to my own time in the “game,” I have also walked alongside single ladies for the past twelve years. I have watched you during this season of your life and I have to tell you, this particular battle is one that sends me to my knees in prayer. I know the heartache, I see the pain, I understand the deep longings that go unfulfilled. I also know the victory and the success stories of those who allow the Lord to use this time to sharpen and mature you.

So, what’s the game plan? How can you not only survive this time in your life, but actually thrive in it?

1. Know the rule book. As a Christian, our ultimate guide for daily living is the Bible; it is our rule book. Yes, there are some really good books out there regarding this subject of waiting, dating and mating; however, don’t allow these “how-to” books to take the place of God’s Word. He knows your heart. He sees your struggles. Immerse yourself in is Word and allow Him to minister to your situation. There is no friend like Jesus!

“LORD, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.” Psalm 38:15 NIV

“Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:18 NIV

2. Know your teammates. Life is about relationships. God created you to be in fellowship with Him and with other people. If you don’t have close female friends, I strongly encourage you to cultivate these. The absence of a marital relationship in your life can be greatly diminished by the presence of strong, godly, female friendships. Some of the ladies I became friends with during my time of waiting are still my friends today (and that was over 17 years ago.)

“A friend loves at all times” Proverbs 17:17a NIV

3. Training is necessary if you intend to win. Allow the Lord to stretch your faith muscles during this time. We all have things in our lives that could use some pruning. Give the Lord the permission and freedom to show you these things and be willing to accept His guidance. He wants you to press on toward the prize (and right here I’m talking about heaven and not your mate:-))and work out your salvation. One of the workouts I’ve seen produce the best results during this time is to turn your focus outward. There is something about serving others that makes your situation seem smaller. Have you always wanted to go on a mission trip? Go! Have you always wanted to serve at a homeless shelter? Do it! Do you have friends who could use a listening ear and shoulder to cry on? Be there! Do you have a friend who desperately needs Jesus as their Savior? Tell them!

“How blessed the man you train, God, the woman you instruct in your Word, providing a circle of quiet within the clamor of evil.” Psalm 94:12a MSG

“Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.” 1 Corinthians 9:25 NIV

4. Don’t allow substitutions. This one is huge! When we feel a void in our lives, our first inclination is to fill it. We have so many choices. We can fill the void with God’s Word, godly friends, sharpening our own walk, serving others; or we can fill the void with things like sex, drinking, partying and hanging out with friends who don’t have our best interests at heart. Do not settle! Any time we settle for less than God’s best in our lives, we take a detour off the path. I don’t want to see you waste precious time wandering around in the wilderness. Trust me. I’ve been there. It isn’t something I’d recommend.

“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” 1 Corinthians 15:33

“I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;” Lamentations 3:24-25 NIV

5. Forget about the loss column. Failed relationships can cause you to become hardened and afraid to try again. Your broken heart will take time to mend. Allow yourself that time and let the Lord do what He does best: restore those who are broken. You can learn from the pain and use it to guide your future experiences. Some of you are divorced. Some of you allowed your relationships to become physical and now have the guilt and shame associated with that. We serve a God who does not condemn us; rather He forgives and heals us! Don’t allow the enemy to gain a foothold here by keeping you on the ground in your shame and sadness. Take the Lord’s hand. Allow him to pick you up, dust you off and get you back on your feet.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

6. Get in the game. In order to play the game successfully, you have to be in the game. Sounds elementary, but it’s true. Over the years I have listened as many single women told me their dreams and desires about marriage and finding a godly man, only to find out they do not participate in things that would bring them close to this goal. If you are going to bars and hoping to find a godly man, you’ve left the playing field and wandered off into the stands. If you never hang out in mixed company and are expecting your mate to show up on your doorstep, you’re not even in the stadium. (I know, God can do ANYTHING, but let’s be an active participant in the plan.) You must be in the places where the person you hope to meet would be. I will also say a word about on-line dating here. In the years past, I was strongly opposed to it. I didn’t think anything good could come of meeting and dating in a virtual world. How could one really know a person who could hide behind their keyboard and monitor and pretend to be anyone or anything they wanted to be? I have since come to meet several Christian couples who met and married via an online dating service. So, I am not as hard-core against this as I used to be. My only word of advice is to keep your eyes wide open. Be sure they are who they say they are!

I cannot say with absolute certainty that if you do these things, your mate will find you. I wish I could my sweet sister. But, as a daughter of the King, you are a princess and some day, your prince will come. It might be the Lord Jesus Himself, but rest assured, your knight will arrive, riding on a white horse. Will you make the most of your time while you await his arrival? Will you allow Him to shape and refine you as you anticipate His coming? I can hardly wait until you see him!

“Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.” Isaiah 64:4 NIV

Who Do You Think You Are?

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7 NKJV

Are you aware of how much you do every day according to who you think you are? Quite possibly you even do things according to who others think you are. Our identity is firmly rooted in our thoughts about ourselves and our thoughts are such a powerful force in our lives that they WILL lead us to actions and then to behaviors. Whether negative or positive, we will make decisions and live out our lives based on who we believe ourselves to be.

Unfortunately, a great deal of women; myself included, have at times, allowed a negative thought or two to be sown in our minds: “No one will ever love me.” “I will never be good enough.” “What’s wrong with me?” “I must deserve to have bad things happen to me because of who I am or what I’ve done.” “I better settle for these less-than-best relationships because I can’t do any better.” These are just some of the kinds of thoughts that, if left to grow roots and bloom, will produce a devastating crop in our lives.

This unwanted harvest usually manifests itself most clearly in our relationship choices. This will be true of friendships and especially true of romantic relationships. Do you find yourself picking the one(s) who treats you like you “think” you should be treated because you’ve bought into the lie that you are not worthy of anything better? Do you find yourself limiting your goals and dreams because you don’t believe in yourself to achieve them? Do you settle for less-than-God’s-best because you’ve fallen into such a pattern of negative thinking toward yourself you can’t imagine He would want to give you anything better? Do you believe you can never be forgiven and set free from your sin to live and walk in victory? Too many women buy into these negative thoughts and live their lives out of the poverty of what they have believed about themselves rather than out of the plenty God desires for them. Too many women have listened to the enemy whisper those words of self-doubt, condemnation and unworthiness in their ears.

Ladies, we must know what the Bible says about who we are! We must know who God thinks we are and who we are in Christ if we are to live a life of freedom and victory and break any chains of bondage our negative thoughts have on us. God shows us just how valuable we are through His word:

1. God loves you:
“May your unfailing love be with us, LORD, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:22 NIV

“You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.” Psalm 86:5 NIV

“For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead.” Psalm 86:13 NIV

“I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you have established your faithfulness in heaven itself.” Psalm 89:2 NIV

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10 NIV

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3 NIV

2. God knows you:
"You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain." Psalm 139:1-6 NIV

“Yet you know me, LORD; you see me and test my thoughts about you.” Jeremiah 12:3 NIV

“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:20 NIV

3. God thinks about you and has plans for you:
"Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us;
There is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them,
They would be too numerous to count." Psalm 40:5 NASB

“LORD, what are human beings that you care for them, mere mortals that you think of them?” Psalm 144:3 NIV

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

4. God bought you with a high price and made you a co-heir with Christ:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;"
Isaiah 43:1-3 NIV

“I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:15b-16a NIV

“You are not your own; you were bought at a price.” 1 Corinthians 6:19b-20a NIV

“He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.” Titus 3:5-7 NIV

5. God wants you to be whole, forgiven and walking in victory:
“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners” Isaiah 61:1b NIV

“Know the LORD," because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest,” declares the LORD. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Jeremiah 31:34 NIV

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 NIV

“The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

And these, dear ones, are just the beginning. There are hundreds of verses that proclaim the Lord’s great love for you and your unfathomable worth to Him. So, how about it? Who do you think you are? If you have believed lies about who you are, ask the Lord to show you the truth and help you change your thinking. You can renew your mind and begin to live life out of the abundance of who you really are in Christ: redeemed, forgiven, set free and dearly loved.

Are You The One?

Many years ago the Lord convicted me to my very core with the following passage of scripture:

Luke 17:11-19
Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

After reading this I began to wonder which of these people I was more like. Did I receive answers from the Lord and return to acknowledge His goodness and faithfulness or had I become someone who expected and waited for answers but rarely revisited the situation to praise Him for the answer? Obviously, I was so convicted by this passage because I was one of the nine and not “the one.” I had a sincere faith (as sincere as I knew how to be at the time.) I prayed earnestly. I expected and believed God would answer me. But, I had become negligent in my attitude of praise towards God.

I knew the Lord wanted me to do something about this; something that would change my walk with Him forever. I went to a store that sold journals and purchased one. I immediately began to chronicle my prayer requests and their answers. Up until this point, I had always kept a journal; one that contained my thoughts and many times my written prayers. However, I had never kept a journal specifically for capturing the responses of the requests I made. I had only two rules for this journal: the prayers I wrote down had to be short (not wordy) and most importantly, measurable. So, writing something vague like “Lord, I pray for You to make me and instrument of Your peace” would not go in the journal. Instead, I might write: “Lord, I pray You make me an instrument of Your peace by going to my friend "so and so" to ask for their forgiveness.” I wrote down the date, the request and then left two or three blank lines on which to record the date and answer to that prayer. I also started using a little symbol system in addition to writing the answer. If the answer was affirmative, I would give it a smiley face :-), if the answer was a wait, I would give it a slash face :-|, if the answer was a no, I would give it a sad face :-(. If the answer broke my heart, it would get a sad face with tears flowing down.

You cannot imagine the things I’ve seen the Lord do over the past twelve years that I have been doing this. Even when the answer was “no” or “wait” I could see the Lord’s hand and know that He was faithfully presiding over my requests and orchestrating the answers that would eventually be rendered. Sometimes I would even have to look back through 3 or more years of requests to write an answer that had finally come. It was those long awaited answers that made me especially grateful for my new found attitude of praise. I could know without a doubt that my God was faithful. He heard and answered my requests according to my needs, not my wants, and in His timeframe.

How about you dear one? How is your praise life? Do you have requests that you are pouring out to the Father and don’t feel like He’s listening and can’t see any answers on the horizon? Do you pray earnestly and with all sincerity and yet wonder “Where are You, Lord? What are You waiting on? Don’t You hear my cries for answers?” Do you have an ache and burden in your heart to see God move and to be a part of His plan? Then, I encourage you to become “the one.” Return to Him and praise Him for the things He is doing in your life. Do you want to find a godly mate? Write it down! Do you need the Lord's help with finances, relationships, purity, self-image, job decisions, etc.? Write those down too. Be specific. Pray expecting an answer and when it arrives, "come back, praise God in a loud voice. Throw yourself at Jesus’ feet and thank him!" You will be utterly amazed at His faithfulness when you remember what He's done.

Isaiah 65:24
Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.

Hosea 6:3
“Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”

A Defining Moment

I have been around a lot of Christian single women over the past 11 1/2 years. I have watched you and studied you. I have learned from you and hopefully, some of you have learned from me. Most recently I have been presented with a recurring theme among you; a theme of disappointment and discouragement where the topic of finding a mate is concerned. I won't say this hasn't always been there, but lately, it just seems I hear more about it. It is my hope that this blog will encourage you, inspire you and cause you to think about your journey differently. It is my desire that you will come to know the Lord so intimately that the waiting process will become a sweet time of growth that you look back on and treasure rather than remember with bitterness and wonder (I wonder what took you so long?)

First things first, though. In order to find a mate, I really believe you have to “be the person you want to marry.” Years ago when my husband, James and I started in Singles ministry, he read a book that defined "single" in this way: "whole, complete, unique, lacking nothing." That definition has stuck with me all of these years and I believe it is a powerful statement of who you should be and what you should be looking for in a mate. I know this was true in my own life. I wanted to find "Mr. Right" so bad I was willing to settle for "Mr. You'll Do"; heck, even "Mr. Wrong" (completely evident by the fact that I was engaged twice before I finally found Mr. Right.) I had a surplus of baggage from past hurts, my heart was not solely devoted to the Lord and I certainly didn’t feel special or unique in any way. I just kept thinking “if I could find a mate all my problems will be solved. No more loneliness, no more baggage to carry by myself, no more self-esteem problems." Boy was I WRONG!

Because of the Lord’s great mercy, He took me on a journey that would force me to take a good, long look in the mirror. I had to know who I was before I could ever know who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I began looking in His word and asking Him to show me the areas of my life that were skewed. Many places needed mending and healing and I asked Him to help me to make these areas whole again. It was hard work; but over time and through God’s faithfulness, I came to know myself and my God. We will never be perfect until we see Him face-to-face. But, I believe we are on this journey to keep moving forward toward the cross through joys and sorrows, good days and bad until that day comes. Some of the verses that were helpful to me during my time of searching were:

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

Isaiah 61:7
Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.

Lamentations 3:24
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Psalm 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

John 15:11
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

In case you hadn’t already guessed, each of these verses has to do with being “complete, whole, unique, lacking nothing.” As women, He has made us with tenderness and with certain longings and desires. One of my favorite passages on this subject is Proverbs 13:12. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." If one of your desires is to find a mate, then start today by making Jesus your longing. Take a solid inventory of who you are, who you want to be and Who He is in your life. Define yourself and you just might find that this time of waiting could be the "single" most beautiful and fruitful time of your life.